#07. What It Feels Like To Be Self-Aware And Have Hypomania

Hi.

Since my last post about my mental health, I’ve tried being a bit more realistically self-aware and not just self-diagnose myself with every little thing I hear about on a science podcast. So I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I definitely think I’m in my hypomanic stage of Cyclothymia right now.

Being painfully self-aware and being hypomanic is an interesting combination. It’s like your mind is just constantly arguing with itself in what it can and can’t do. On one end, you feel like you can do anything, you can conquer the world, you’ve got control of everything in the palm of your hands. Then in the other, you know you’re just a mere peasant who has to “live normally” like the rest of humanity.

You would think that hypomania would be a great thing. Increased confidence, lowered fear of any sort of judgement, endless ideas to meet different goals! You get impulsive. Talk a big talk, then probably end up in your depression phase by the time you need to go on that walk.

I’ve spent an unnecessary amount of money on incredibly unnecessary things over the past week. Half my mind’s calling me an idiot for taking money from my savings account to spend it on fucking $7 iced mochas! The other half is applauding me and sassily going, “GORL, TREAT YO’SELF”.

I’ve been talking a lot more than usual at work. Usually I would just hide in my corner while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the past few days, I’m actually sharing thoughts??? and ideas??? and actually really psyched to be calling a whole bunch of people even if they’re getting annoying??? It’s really not normal. I think I might have actually flirted with someone at some point. That’s just too much.

I’ve been texting a lot. I’d be meeting up with everyone and their mothers if I had the time, but I don’t, so I’ll be social through my phone instead. I just want to talk to everyone and tell them every single thought that passes through my head, whether it’s relevant to them or not, which is probably really annoying.

The thing I’m most frustrated by is the part where I just really want someone. I want to text them, I want to talk to them, I just want to be with them at this exact time. I pride myself on being pretty cool, yknow, being pretty chill. So it’s taking 110% of me to bypass this stupid hypomania and not impulsively confess how much I adore them, because I know practically everything I’m feeling at this moment is temporary.

It’s really confusing to feel both superhuman and like peasant at the same time. You just feel so much passion to pursue everything you’ve ever wanted, but you know that half the things you’ll do will probably end up jeopardising everything your mentally stable self has worked so hard for.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so self-aware, so present-me can just enjoy everything and let future-me worry about things. Future-me is gonna be depressed anyway, right? But now, both present-me and future-me are gonna worry, so what is the point?

I don’t know. This is one of those impulsive ideas that I’ll probably regret actually producing sometime in the future. I’m also sort of writing this to distract myself from talking to the person I really want to talk to right now, because I’ve already talked to them too much to the point of annoyance I think and I should really keep my cool as much as I can dear God and baby Jesus I need so much help.

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